Desperate United seeking Fergie Time within Fergie Time

September 30, 2012 Leave a comment

People may have been mistaken for thinking the 2012 Armageddon had actually arrived when Spurs won at Old Trafford last night, but the result was more to do with the home team’s apocalyptic midfield.

That did not stop Sir Alex Ferguson going on one of his legendary deluded rants about not having enough injury time, despite everyone else thinking the customary four minutes of Fergie Time given by the officials was ample.

Ferguson complained, “It’s the inconsistency from referees which makes the players lose faith in them.

“Last week at Anfield, every decision went for us, but tonight not quite everything did.

“How are we supposed to win matches with such unreliable officiating?”

The whining came after United’s star man last weekend – referee Mark Halsey – had tried his utmost to stop Manchester City winning at Fulham, including giving the hosts a penalty for no reason whatsoever.

Woods omitted due to having had enough foursomes

September 29, 2012 3 comments

American Ryder Cup captain Davis Love justified his decision to leave Tiger Woods out of the Saturday foursomes by pointing out that the randy devil has probably had enough for one lifetime.

Love then watched as his selected pairs carried on the first day’s work in ripping the Europeans to absolute shreds.

His day two summary was, “If you read any of the newspapers you’ll know that Tiger’s been involved in far too many foursomes and such over the last few years.

“I thought the saucy sod could do with a rest and some of the other lads could have a go.

“We put their wives in a locked room guarded by armed security whilst they were on the course in case Tiger got a bit bored during play though.”

John Terry can’t tell if he’s getting abused more than usual

September 29, 2012 1 comment

Early reports from the Emirates indicate that Chelsea’s John Terry is unaffected by the abuse reigning down from the stands as it was impossible for the level of contempt most people hold for him to increase.

As usual, Arsenal supporters have paid around £60 per ticket to attend the match, mainly for the privilege of booing Terry and Ashley Cole.

An exchange with manager Roberto Di Matteo on the touchline confirmed Terry was all right to play on.

Di Matteo shouted, “John, you ok?”

To which Terry casually replied, “**** off you ******* Italian ****!”

Chelsea players set to be preoccupied for next four matches

September 27, 2012 Leave a comment

Cahill: concerned

Chelsea’s domestic form could suffer over their next four matches whilst the players worry about how close John Terry is getting to their wives during his ban for the Anton Ferdinand incident.

Terry was handed a huge fine and four-match ban after the FA found him guilty of using racist insults, thereby adding to his impressive catalogue of despicable deeds which includes sleeping with former team-mate Wayne Bridge’s ex-wife.

The former England captain was “disappointed” with the verdict, but it at least gives him time to consider how he can further degrade his image.

If that is still possible.

Terry and Suarez in two-horse race for alleged racist scumbag league

September 25, 2012 2 comments

Despite the season having just begun, Luis Suarez and John Terry are already fighting over the title for the biggest alleged racist scumbag in the Premier League.

Liverpool have recently been complaining why Suarez never gets any decisions, in spite of him having crafted his own reputation as a diving, cheating individual with a poor understanding of what constitutes racist words in other cultures.

Meanwhile, John Terry resigned from England duty after the FA dared suggest that being caught on camera shouting ‘******* ***** ****’ at someone could mean he did indeed call someone a ‘******* ***** ****’.

The season has barely started, but the two players find themselves doing everything to earn the title of the biggest **** in the league.

Mark Halsey performance creates selection dilemma for Manchester United (as seen on Newsthump)

September 24, 2012 Leave a comment

Sir Alex Ferguson has been given a selection dilemma when it comes to choosing his most in-form referee after Mark Halsey turned in a blinder during his side’s 2-1 win at Anfield yesterday.

Halsey’s storming performance means that Howard Webb’s first-team place is under threat.

Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers admitted, “The referee was outstanding for United today. We couldn’t handle him.

“Our players gave everything but when you come up against a referee in that sort of form there’s little anyone can do.

“If Halsey stays fit, United could go the whole season unbeaten.”

Mark Halsey plays blinder

Sir Alex Ferguson was unhappy with his players’ performances but was grateful to Halsey for coming through on the big occasion.

Ferguson grumbled, “We were very poor but there was one man who really showed he’s earned the shirt.

“And I’m obviously not talking about Nani.

“People have been critical of our squad but we’ve shown today we’ve got a real match-winner in Mark Halsey.

“I hope Howard Webb’s taking notes.”

Published on Newsthump

Oscar current pick of Chelsea’s new divers

September 22, 2012 Leave a comment

Oscar is emerging as the most promising young diver amongst Chelsea’s big-money summer signings.

Oscar followed up his brace against Juventus midweek with an impressive dive against Stoke today, putting fellow young simulating extraordinaire Eden Hazard into the shade.

Hazard made the biggest impression early on with a series of dives at the start of the season, resulting in him “winning” a number of penalties for Chelsea, but Oscar now is fighting back and Roberto Di Matteo could end up with a real selection dilemma when choosing which diver needs to start every match.

Meanwhile, Southampton qualified for overcelebration of the season when they beat Aston Villa 4-1 at home.

Anything less would have been nothing short of humiliating.

Michael Laudrup excused Swansea’s dismal performance in their 3-0 loss to Everton by claiming that the Toffees failed to pay them enough to try to win the game, linking to his odd comments about match-fixing previously.

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