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Scotland redesign independence bid around Andy Murray

September 11, 2012 Leave a comment

Scotland’s drive for independence has gathered steam following Andy Murray’s victory in the 2012 US Open.

Scots have spent most of the day celebrating the fact that Murray is SCOTTISH, NOT BRITISH, rather than his actual success.

It has reignited Alex Salmond’s rhetoric about independence from the rest of the UK.

A jubilant Malcolm from Dunblane shouted, “Murray’s Scottish! All these years of waiting have been worth it.”

The LTA responded, “They can have their moment. By the time Wimbledon comes round he’ll be a laughing stock again.

“Not to mention that as it’s the ‘All England Club’ we might decide to ban the miserable ****.”

English wishing Sue Barker blew up Andy Murray instead of Go Compare man

July 7, 2012 11 comments

With the possibility of Andy Murray winning Wimbledon after making it through to his first final, the English are wishing that Sue Barker had blown him up with the huge missile launcher instead of the Go Compare man in the recent advert.

The advert has been widely criticised due to many believing the method of murder was not sadistic enough to take the much-loathed tenor out.

Reg from Doncaster suggested, “On Sunday, why doesn’t Sue creep up to one of the windows in her BBC studio and go trigger-happy at centre court?

“Sure, it might not quite be in the rules of the game but it’d be much better than having a Scot win at the all-England club.”

Ivan Lendl stoked tensions: “I’ve found the perfect way to motivate Andy by threatening to make him sit through one of my stand-up routines if he doesn’t win.

“That’s where his new-found aggression is coming from.

“No pressure then, Andy.”

Lendl wins the lottery

Andy Murray prolongs the agony

July 4, 2012 2 comments

Andy Murray ensured everyone’s torture continues for at least another two days by overcoming David Ferrer in four sets.

Murray faces Jo-Wilfried Tsonga on Friday for a place in his first Wimbledon final, but the only thing for sure is that everybody’s nerves will be shredded more than an informative Barclays audit paper trail.

Murray into second week despite failing to keep balls from dropping

July 1, 2012 Leave a comment

Andy Murray has progressed into the fourth round at Wimbledon despite his balls dropping during his match against Marcus Baghdatis.

The umpire awarded numerous points to Baghdatis as Murray’s balls spilled onto the greener-than-green lawn – which of course is in gross violation of Wimbledon etiquette.

One flustered female spectator commented, “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

“No matter what he tried, his shorts didn’t seem able to contain them!”

Meanwhile, Murray’s girlfriend Kim Sears muttered, “It’s about time.”

Luckily the match went on until 11 p.m. and therefore the shameful incident was after the television watershed.

Andy Murray’s dismal form “perfect preparation”

June 25, 2012 Leave a comment

Andy Murray’s run of consecutive losses in the lead up to Wimbledon has left him in an optimistic mood for the fortnight ahead.

Understandably struggling under the weight of expectations of a nation who will be gutted and insult him if he fails to do better than three of the best players ever has seemingly led him to buy into the Roy Hodgson school of sports psychology.

“I’m feeling great,” Murray wrote after three straight losses.

“I’m sure I can produce exactly what the British deserve at Wimbledon this year.

“Like Roy Hodgson, in the last couple of weeks I’ve been doing everything to convince everyone that I’m absolutely useless, so – even if I do turn out to be absolutely useless – at least no-one will be shocked or upset.”

Nalbandian disqualified for doing something of interest at Queen’s

June 17, 2012 Leave a comment

David Nalbandian has forfeited the Queen’s tennis final after doing something minimally newsworthy – but he unfortunately had to injure someone to do that.

The Argentine kicked an advertising board which then cut a chair umpire’s leg, much to the presumed delight of the advertiser who will have their brand broadcast a lot more than it otherwise would have been.

The match umpire clarified, “Unfortunately David has made a big mistake and done something which has caused people to talk about the match.

“The ATP finds this unacceptable and he can expect a fine and a ban on top of today’s disqualification.”

It was the first anyone had heard of the tournament since Andy Murray lost in his first match.

Andy Murray saves everyone some time

June 13, 2012 1 comment

Murray misses when match point down

Andy Murray has developed a fresh approach to dealing with the nation’s completely unrealistic expectations – by losing in his first match at Queen’s.

His new pragmatic style to avoid winning major tournaments could have been inspired by England’s football team, who have expressed their determination to perform as poorly as possible under Roy Hodgson.

Murray solemnly reacted, “Does anyone really care?

“I’m not going to win Wimbledon anyway so what difference does it make if I go out in the first round or the semi-finals?”

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