Archive for the ‘Special Reports’ Category

Kicking Sport replay: Liebster Blog Award

May 13, 2012 4 comments

Many thanks to Jamie Kendrick for mentioning Kicking Sport for the Liebster Blog Award. As it was received a few months ago I’m not doing the thing again, but would like to take the opportunity to give thanks to a few other bloggers whose help and readership has been greatly appreciated. If any of the below have not been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award yet, please accept this as such.

Firstly, thanks again to Jamie (The Reviewer), who covers a great deal about music in his blog. Being an Everton fan (please correct me if I’ve got confused about that) he tends to be a bit more chirpy in the second half of the season.

Michael Cargill is a blogger with a mind more bizarre and unpredictable than this season’s Premier League. Please check his work out as he really shows you what it’s all about.

Kicking Sport is delighted to have heard plenty from Leicester City supporter Stevo Music Man over the months. With plenty of information about the world of music, Stevo is as comfortable in the blogosphere as Leicester are in the middle of the Championship table.

I’m similarly pleased to be able to say thank you to Gingerfightback. If you want to read something extraordinary about gingers, chicken, travel or various other matters, Gfb is for you.

No-one but a bloghead’s site features interesting thoughts about a number of topics and current affairs.

Finally, a blog with plenty of useful posts about stories covering the whole world of football is Patto 1992. One to look at for any football lovers out there.

I hope you find the time to read and enjoy the blogs mentioned here. Please let me take the chance to thank those lovely six people, and everyone else who reads Kicking Sport. All of you are greatly appreciated.



(Kicking Sport)


Kicking Sport e-mail hacking admission

April 5, 2012 2 comments

Kicking Sport is obliged to confess that one of its bored reporters has hacked the e-mails of some of the UK’s leading sporting stars.

However, none of the material was reported because it was not of public interest – and it would not have been of interest to anyone at all.

Not wishing to be seen as “out of touch”, senior staff at Kicking Sport felt it necessary to follow the trend set by the “News of the World” and Sky News and hack e-mails as that now seems to be the most common investigative technique employed by the nation’s journalists.

But accessing the inboxes of John Terry, Wayne Rooney, Kevin Pietersen and Lewis Hamilton amongst others led to absolutely nothing intelligible nor worth writing about, with the material failing even to come up to the appalling standards we normally sink to.

Sorry about that.

Kenny Dalglish on better ways to squander £100 million

March 25, 2012 2 comments


Well? What do you think?


George Best had the right idea when he said, “I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”

I guess I would say something like:


I spent a lot of money on Andy Carroll, Jordan Henderson and Stewart Downing. Then the owners confiscated the chequebook.


In hindsight I could have wasted £10 million bringing back Djibril Cisse. He’s already scored three goals and been sent off twice in five matches, offering both a finishing touch and violent entertainment – which is what we all want to see really, isn’t it? Why else would I have bought Charlie Adam?

Actually, let’s not think about him. There’s another £8.5 million gone by the way.

"Did you keep the receipt, Kenny?"

I’ve heard “staycations” are very popular these days. I’m not really “down with the kids” so I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I think it’s got something to do with camping in your back garden instead of getting wasted in Ibiza for your holiday.

For £100 million, you could buy a pretty great camping experience. Would be more fun than an Anfield season ticket as well. You could get a big tent and enough marshmallows to toast to keep you fed until Liverpool next win the league.

That’s a lot of marshmallows.

To think in more charitable terms, a donation of £100 million would have tripled the money generated by Sport Relief this weekend. Ironically, I’m the one now in need of charity – as are most of my signings.

If you have political aspirations, £100 million would buy you an awful lot of access to David Cameron and George Osborne. According to Peter Cruddas £200K expenditure is “Premier League” which sounds like a bargain as Roberto Mancini isn’t going to get anywhere near after spending more than £200 million.

I’m tempted to suggest that my money could have bought Fulham a result at Old Trafford tomorrow night, but I get the feeling that’s more fanciful than hoping my English boys will come good.

In all honesty I’m not too bothered. Whatever happens to this club under my reign, the Liverpool supporters will blame the FA, the media or the weather anyway.

Kenny Dalglish is anticipating retirement notice as Senior Accessories Buyer for Liverpool Football Club.

Haye – Chisora unredacted brawl transcript

February 19, 2012 Leave a comment

Kicking Sport – the Wikileaks of the sporting world – is once again ready to lay a cable of monumentally controversial proportions as the unredacted transcript of the David Haye – Dereck Chisora brawl is published for the first time.


WARNING: the content below may insult your intelligence.


Boente: British boxers are about as aggressive and intimidating as Arsenal after Christmas. We’re done with them. We’re looking to fight others who are going to provide a better spectacle. I heard Silvio Berlusconi’s got some time on his hands?

Haye (from open bar): My manager told me I accepted in December.

Chisora: Toe. Toe.

Haye: What?

Don Charles: Dereck’s trying to rile you with a quip about your toe.

Haye: Vitali said he could knock me out. Do you think you can really compete with me at trash-talk?

Boente: Chisora showed heart. Also he’s a bit slow so we were able to take a bigger chunk of the revenue, so we much prefer him as an opponent to David Haye.

Chisora: Sky won’t do Box Office because of Haye. He ruined possibilities for young British boxers to earn millions for getting out-boxed and knocked out by foreigners across the world.

Don Charles: There’ll be no more Ricky Hattons, that’s for sure.

Chisora: Toe! Toe! Toe!

Haye: Your wife saw my toe last night.

Don Charles: This is embarrassing, even for boxing. Can someone get him out of here?

Haye: I’m not leaving until someone agrees to fight me so I can get a few more millions.

Chisora: I fight you now.

Chisora comes down towards Haye and the pair embark on a drinking game where you get to throw your empty bottles at each other once you’ve drained them.

Booth (his head bleeding): Who glassed me?

Chisora: I was aiming for David but I’d had a few. He probably hit you by mistake as he hasn’t practised punching anyone recently.

Haye: Yeah but I’m better-looking than you and that’s what makes me more marketable.

Chisora: I’m not having it. I am going to shoot you, David. I am going to physically shoot you and physically burn you.

Don Charles: Dereck, of course you’re going to physically shoot him, you don’t need to say “physically”. How else could you do it?

Chisora: I don’t know, but I want him.

Haye: What do you mean by “want me”?

Chisora: In the car park in five minutes. I drank you under the table just now.

Booth: We’re going to appeal about the point-scoring on that one.

Haye: It wasn’t a fair drinking game – I’ve got a broken fingernail which impeded my swing!

Klitschko: Who pulled my shorts down this time?

BBC’s Ben Dirs: You could cut the sexual tension in this room with Chisora’s IQ!

St Valentine’s Day Ode to Manchester (by Carlos Tevez)

February 14, 2012 1 comment

United are red,

City are blue.

Both paid me loads

But I don’t want to.

New adventures of Mario (Balotelli)

February 12, 2012 5 comments

Suspended for four matches, Manchester City’s deranged striker Mario Balotelli has been conspicuous for his lack of headline-making on and off the pitch. Our reporters have been investigating to bring you all the nonsense that other news sites are too busy to waste time on.

28 January – Women’s Institute bathroom fireworks

Enjoying his free time on starting his ban, Mario popped into his local WI one day to use the bathroom, then proceeded to set off a number of fireworks. The fire service stated it was “bloody lucky” no-one was hurt, especially as the majority of WI attendants were hard of hearing and were therefore unaware of the danger in the men’s room.

"We really didn't know what he was doing in our bathroom"

1 February – Liverpool training mediator

On taking a joyride up to Liverpool, Mario picked up a Liverpool striker playing truant. The player told him his name was Luis and he was avoiding training because the linesman called him offside during a training match. Mario drove him back and did not leave Melwood until the dispute was settled, although Suarez refused to shake his hand after.

4 February – Surprise primary school tour

In another loveable episode, Mario randomly pulled up to a primary school near his home and wandered around, admiring the premises. Headmistress Margaret Roland said, “It was delightful to have Mario visit and he’s welcome back anytime, but on assessing his most recent test scores, I’m afraid he doesn’t have the aptitude to attend classes here.”

11 February – Pub bulls-eye practice

Staying on in the local watering-hole after the Manchester United – Liverpool fiasco, Mario joined in a group playing darts, but lost focus and started aiming at some who were watching the rugby. The owner refrained from ringing the police and instead called Roberto Mancini, who hauled Mario off by the ear and grounded him for a fortnight.

Don’t forget to check back here very soon to read about yet more rubbish that a professional footballer can do and get paid for.

Mr Suarez’s month off

February 5, 2012 6 comments

With his return to Liverpool’s offensive line imminent, Luis Suarez has given us his diary to show us what he’s been up to since he was thoughtfully granted an eight-match rest by the FA:


January 3

I get special holiday because I South American. Stupid Britannicos.

January 11

I meet old lady by supermercado. She hits me with stick for walking. I don’t know why. I only call her “coffin dodger” twice. I say it in friendly way.

"Fully rested"

January 17

I want to go to R ‘n’ B night at disco but friends say NO! Don’t understand why they angry.

January 21

I go to karaoke with Uncle Kenny. We lose whole night singing “Why does rain on me” by Travis.

January 28

I see funny news about Ahrry Rednap. He in trouble. He can say I don’t know what tax means in this culture. I tell him my advices in match at Liverpool.

February 1

When I come back to training the people say something like, “Don’t ever open your ******* mouth again you ******* ****”. I think them nice and friendly.


You can follow Mr Suarez’s risky adventures on the television from now on, starting with a potentially bad-tempered visit from a group of feisty north Londoners on Monday night.

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