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Gavin Henson’s television career in jeopardy following sincere apology

April 2, 2012 2 comments

Wing and a prayer

Gavin Henson’s primary career as a television muppet could be over after he apologised for his behaviour on a flight.

His club Cardiff Blues sacked him for alcohol-fuelled antics on the flight from Glasgow to Cardiff on Saturday. Henson later issued an apology which could get him into trouble with his bosses in the tabloid media.

“Gavin needs to understand that this kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable,” warned a producer from Channel 5.

“An establishment like ours cannot be seen to employ people who express regret for drunken idiocy.

“If he tests our patience too much he’ll have to fall back on rugby to earn money which isn’t a realistic option, so he needs to address his actions and make sure this kind of incident doesn’t happen again.”

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Dylan Hartley “complained of indigestion” after Ireland match

March 20, 2012 Leave a comment

Irish stew

England hooker Dylan Hartley will probably be found guilty of biting in the Six Nations match against Ireland after revelations that he complained of indigestion at the final whistle.

Despite accusations after the incident allegedly took place, the referee could not take action as he had not seen anything, and Hartley himself was unable to comment due to him having his mouth full.

Excerpts from the referee’s match report said, “At the time all I could see were bite marks on the Irish player’s finger, and Dylan Hartley chewing furiously.

“Now I think about it, at the end of the match he was pestering the physio, whining that ‘something’s gone down the wrong way’.

“He likes a good scrap does Hartley but I reckon this time he’s bitten off more than he can chew.”

Stoke City set to join next year’s Six Nations

March 19, 2012 Leave a comment

Scrumming it

Stoke City look likely to be offered a chance to join the 2013 Six Nations Championship after senior rugby officials were impressed by their rucking and mauling style despite losing in the FA Cup to Liverpool.

Tony Pulis’s side have consistently played quality rugby in spite of them participating in football competitions, but their persistence appears to have paid off after this breakthrough for the club.

A spokesman for the Six Nations confirmed, “The way that Stoke are playing their rugby right now means that they might have the best chance of cutting Wales’ celebrations short at next year’s tournament.

“Stoke have been incorrectly involved in football for years, but their rugby tactics are so effective that they have enjoyed no small amount of success.

“Hopefully this will see the start of a new era for Stoke, and everyone involved with the club will finally be able to watch their beloved team playing the right sport.”

Rugby faithful fear loss of street credit from cancelled match

February 12, 2012 Leave a comment

Under threat

Six Nations followers are concerned after the cancellation of yesterday’s match between France and Ireland was cancelled late on due to snow and bad weather.

Loyal egg-chasers fear that repeats of this kind of decision-making could cost them bragging rights in regards to claiming that their sport is the real “man’s game” when compared to football.

One disappointed travelling Irishman warned, “If they called this one off because they don’t want to risk players being hurt on the ground, we might as well head to Old Trafford.

“Snow is the last thing players think about when faced by 15 brutish opponents, waiting for the moment to gouge their eyes out and pick them up and slam them down on their heads.”

Relief is said to be widespread after people were able to watch the first-half of Wales v Scotland on the BBC, which featured men trying to pummel each other into dust far more often than it did any behaviour which could be argued to be a sport.

Scotland seeking independence upon Murrayfield win

February 4, 2012 2 comments

Scotland coach Andy Robinson has called for his side to shrug off their “unlucky losers” tag and be granted independence from England if they win the countries’ opening 6 Nations clash today.

Scotland were knocked out of the World Cup by England last Autumn and Robinson has claimed that earning independence as well as points by winning at Murrayfield would be the perfect motivation for his men.

Robinson explained, “The politicians and voting public are going to take years to come to a decision, so why not give it to whoever wins the rugby match today?

Independent thinker

“Scotland seem to be the only ones interested in it so that would certainly make my team-talk a bit easier.

“We have to take this step, then we can say we are going somewhere.

“Probably to bankruptcy. Alone.”

Banned Hull FC trio “could be involved in Tour de France”

December 29, 2011 Leave a comment

Reports suggest that the three individuals banned for anti-doping rule breaches at Hull FC rugby club could be offered roles in next year’s Tour de France.

Gleeson might look pretty in yellow

The trio have been banned for at least one year each which means they will be available next summer and have already proven they have what it takes to take on the drug testers.

With former champion Alberto Contador struggling to regain form under constant pressure from authorities having tested positive, there is an opportunity to depose the disappointingly-clean Cadel Evans.

One potential destination for the disgraced Hull City trio is Team Sky, who are looking to boost their bid to have a British cyclist take the most drugs without getting caught by 2015.

Wilkinson retires from laddish group holidays abroad

December 12, 2011 Leave a comment

English rugby legend Jonny Wilkinson has announced his decision to retire from the laddish group holidays that the squad frequently embark upon abroad.

Now 32, the fly-half has recognised that his body can no longer stand the constant pummelling received when he participates in brawling scrums with his team-mates in foreign nightclubs.

Wilkinson moves aside

Wilkinson stated, “It fills me with great sadness. I’ve been lucky to enjoy many great moments with the lads, getting battered on a nightly basis in strange parts of the world, like New Zealand.

“However, I feel it’s time to put my pint glasses down for the last time as I’ll never be able to match Mike Tindall.

“This year my body really felt the strain of playing drinking games against world-class opponents, even if they were broken up by weekly rugby matches against other countries.

“I find myself unable to keep up with the younger generation, including Chris Ashton and Manu Tuilagi, and will now focus on other things.

“Maybe even rugby.”

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