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British media still refusing to focus on actual news

September 10, 2012 Leave a comment

The media hysteria and hype surrounding London 2012 is now at record-breaking levels as headlines continue to feature the Games despite 99% of the population losing interest weeks ago.

With the BBC and Channel 4 leading the way over the summer, it remains to be seen whether the media will ever return to covering actual news, or whether they will keep harping on about the Olympics and Paralympics forever.

Richard Smith, Professor of Media Studies at the newly-founded University of Olympic Nonsense confirmed, “Analysis indicates that the British media may well continue talking about London 2012 until the end of the world.

“Hopefully that will indeed turn out to be in 2012 as well.

“This conclusion is derived from the observation that if they were going to stop, they would have done by now.

“Even Coldplay couldn’t shut them up.”

Britain determined to medal for political correctness during Paralympics

September 2, 2012 Leave a comment

The entire national contingency of Team GB is doing everything to ensure they get through the Paralympics without offending anyone – inadvertently or otherwise.

“Comedian” Frankie Boyle garnered plenty of attention and publicity by tweeting controversial jokes at the start of the Games.

Channel 4’s attempt at a show to present a light-hearted take on it all is fronted by another “comedian”, Adam Hills, who has a prosthesis as he was born without a right foot, which presumably protects the broadcaster against any complaints about insensitivity.

But careless Susan from Watford told us, “To be honest I couldn’t stand the Olympics and I find the Paralympics equally dull.

“Wait – am I allowed to say that?”

Jeremy Hunt defends anything that makes money

August 27, 2012 1 comment

Jeremy Hunt has continued justifying why disabled people have had to use premium-rate phone lines to purchase tickets for the Paralympics.

Hunt was defiant in the face of controversy and criticism (which he needs to be as a Tory).

Hunt reasoned, “Like David Cameron said a couple of years ago: ‘We’re all in this together’.

“Especially disabled people.”

Kaiser Chiefs sent down for two years for The Who cover (via The Sarcastic Times)

August 18, 2012 Leave a comment

UK authorities have followed the recent example set by their Russian couterparts and given band The Kaiser Chiefs a two-year sentence for their blasphemous cover of the Who during the Olympic closing ceremony.

The band produced one of the many, many dark moments of the night. Showing up was bad enough but performing a Who song put them on a level with Fatboy Slim in the giant octopus.

Whilst the sentence handed to Russian band Pussy Riot has caused controversy and debate, that given to The Kaiser Chiefs is expected to be welcomed by everyone.

Olympic effect already well over

August 14, 2012 Leave a comment

The boost that hosting the Olympics gave to Britons’ eagerness to participate in sport and physical activity has already waned significantly, recent studies show.

One of the main objectives of London 2012 (apart from making shed loads of cash) was to get people more engaged in sport (and make more money through that if possible).

Professor Richard Zimmerman from the University of Bone-idleness confirmed, “Our research indicates that, less than two days after the end of the closing ceremony, everyone’s forgotten about their pledges to do more sport.”

45-year-old couch potato Ron added, “Personally I was going to walk to the shop every day but now I’ve adjusted my target to the more realistic goal of getting up to get the remote when the 2016 Games start in Rio.”

Closing ceremony to feature millions of women celebrating spontaneously and clobbering assorted Britpop performers

August 12, 2012 1 comment

Shut your Von Trapp, Olympics!

After three weeks of utter oppression due to the Olympics, Britain’s women are planning to fight back tonight during the closing ceremony.

Almost everyone will be relieved as the ceremony is supposed to star any number of Britpop artists, sending the Games off in an eternal crescendo of caterwauling.

It is hoped that they will be able to overrun and disrupt the show before the Spice Girls show up.

Director of the ceremony Kim Gavin said, “Tonight will give the Games the perfect end before heading to Rio.”

Shortly afterwards, men in long white coats came to drag him away, kicking and screaming.

BBC shows more coverage of David Beckham than Tom Daley during Tom Daley dives

August 12, 2012 1 comment

Tom Daley’s appearance in the diving final last night was exciting for many in Team GB, but for the BBC it was the presence of David Beckham poolside which demanded the most attention.

The cameras occasionally flicked to Daley whilst focusing on Beckham and his sons throughout the event.

In the obligatory interview this morning, presenters grilled the diver on his big night.

“Obviously the bronze medal was all right, but what was it like having ‘Golden Balls’ so close to you?”

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