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“You can do your own pit stops from now on,” McLaren told Hamilton

October 7, 2012 11 comments

Lewis Hamilton’s indifferent form this season shows no sign of improving after his engineers at McLaren told him he could sort out his own pit stops since he announced he would be moving to Mercedes next season.

Hamilton finished fifth behind team-mate Jenson Button in today’s Japanese Grand Prix, and things will only get harder for him until the end of this season.

Martin Whitmarsh explained, “With everything we’ve done for him over the years he’s lucky we don’t put him on the track on a pushbike.”

Thousands urged to steer clear of Silverstone over fears of boredom

July 7, 2012 2 comments

Thousands of people have been urged to stay away from the British Grand Prix due to concerns that the whole event could turn out to be a damp squib.

The annual washout could take levels of disappointment to record levels as the horrendous weather threatens to create exciting and unpredictable conditions which organisers deem unacceptable.

Silverstone spokeswoman Katie Tyler confirmed, “It’s like Glastonbury but the racket isn’t quite as bad.

“Still not something you want to be within 20 miles of.”

Bernie Ecclestone furious about missing lunchbox

May 25, 2012 Leave a comment

For the second consecutive year, bomb disposal experts have had to deal with a mysterious item at the Monaco Grand Prix, this year it being a plastic box whereas last year it was a carrier bag.

In related news, and also for the second consecutive year, Bernie Ecclestone has lost a personal belonging on the circuit after misplacing his lunchbox. Last year he did the same with a gift in a plastic bag he had bought for his wife.

Security expert Jean-Francois told us, “Last year alarms were raised over a suspect bag until an elderly gentleman came along and grumbled ‘Get your mits off that!’

“Today we had to carry out a controlled explosion on a small plastic item which could have been dangerous.

“We feared there were tuna or egg sandwiches in there.”

Elsewhere, a steaming Ecclestone fumed, “I couldn’t get there in time whereas last year I just about managed.

Could explode at any moment

“I must be losing race pace quicker than a Ferrari.

“I remember last year the security team told me I had to be more careful and not leave stuff lying around – as if I don’t own the place!

“So I told them they were all fired.”

Bahrainis protesting about Sebastian Vettel dictatorship

April 22, 2012 Leave a comment

The Bahrain protests have been invigorated with a new sense of injustice after the masses were able to see the dictatorship Sebastian Vettel wields over the F1 world.

Vettel dominated the Grand Prix from start to finish, forcing the locals to forget about the human rights abuses in their country, including the murder of protestors, and focus their energy on campaigning for the German double world champion to clear off.

“He’s a barbarian,” one protestor outside the circuit claimed.

“With that kind of conduct, anyone involved or with an interest in F1 must be living in complete misery.

“If he hasn’t stepped down by next year I think there’ll be more martyrs in Bahrain willing to sacrifice everything to help out those poor F1 people.”

Tempers racing

F1 reacts to death of Bahraini protestor

April 21, 2012 2 comments

F1 has been stunned by the news of the death of a protestor last night and many prominent figures involved in the race have given a few seconds to give the impression they actually care what is going on in the country.

Constant criticism from all quarters of the decision to stage the Grand Prix despite the civil unrest has not stopped Bernie Ecclestone and his minions from giving the gravy train full steam ahead, and the death of protestors seems unlikely to even make it onto the teams’ hi-tech weather radars.

Ecclestone confirmed, “We don’t really know what’s going on outside the circuit but I can assure you that projected earnings from this Grand Prix are at around $500 million.

“The Crown Prince is OK with everything so I’ll go along with him.”

Only one priority

Pole-sitter Sebastian Vettel reacted: “Well obviously it’s tragic news but it doesn’t concern me and the rest of the drivers.

“A far more pressing issue for me personally is how many pit-stops I should aim for during the race tomorrow.

“And whether to go with soft or hard tyres.

“Really these decisions are so difficult. I don’t know what the Bahrainis can be complaining about which could be worse than that.”

Bahrain unites in indifference towards F1 – as seen on Newsthump

April 20, 2012 Leave a comment

Bernie Ecclestone seems to have succeeded in his objective to bring the people of Bahrain together – by uniting them in their shared indifference towards the Grand Prix.

The Force India team was caught up in a protest as angry rioters failed to care in the slightest when their vehicle was almost hit by petrol bombs yesterday.

One protestor confirmed, “We don’t deny that there are bigger underlying issues in our country but for one weekend we’re able to come together to show just how little we care about F1.

“Ecclestone might believe we’d be more concerned about Sebastian Vettel and Lewis Hamilton being held up by backmarkers, but I’m sure that there isn’t one Bahraini who gives a monkey’s.

Bahrain's saviour?

“It’s given us something to bond over.”

Force India driver Nico Hulkenberg reacted angrily to the decision to go ahead with the Grand Prix after he realised just how indifferent the public are.

“The officials assured us that coming here would make us heroes as Bahrain’s love of F1 would overcome the civil unrest they’ve been experiencing for a year or more.

“They also mentioned something about the race bringing in shed loads more cash but that doesn’t matter to any of us of course.

“Me and the other drivers are outraged that we are seemingly unable to bring peace to the region and must instead make millions and millions and millions out of it, like always.

“I bet Bernie’s seething too.”

Published on Newsthump

Bahrain protests to be drowned out next weekend

April 13, 2012 Leave a comment

Noise

The Bahrain dictatorship has cleverly arranged for the Formula One circus to cover up the noise of its country’s protestors for a few days next weekend.

Instead of listening to the public’s demands for them to step down, they will instead be serenaded by the drone of cars crashing about the place without any particular purpose and the whining of the likes of Lewis Hamilton and Sebastian Vettel if not everything goes their way.

F1 boss Bernie Eccleston insisted he was “200%” certain that the race would generate the huge revenues he was hoping for, despite the obvious safety concerns for everyone involved.

Teams like Red Bull have confirmed they are going to take extra precautions to protect the people of Bahrain from their drivers’ egos.

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