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Pietersen joins Twitter-impaired sportsmen in pavilion

August 15, 2012 1 comment

Kevin Pietersen is coming to terms with getting stumped by social networking site Twitter.

Pietersen joined the likes of Rio Ferdinand, Michael Owen and Tom Daley in becoming more active on the micro-blogging site than in his actual sport after he ended up texting his way out of England’s cricket team.

It is the first time in cricketing history that a batsman has been dismissed Tweet-before-dipstick.

The scorecard reads:

K. Pietersen   0   b. Twitter c. media

Twit(ter)

Andrew Strauss saved by customary Windies charity

May 28, 2012 2 comments

All smiles (for now)

Andrew Strauss has become the latest England cricket captain to be saved by the generosity of the Windies on one of their early summer tours.

England beat the tourists to clinch the series 2-0, whilst Strauss hit two centuries in two games despite going fifty without one beforehand.

He therefore joins the long list of those who have had their painful tenures excruciatingly prolonged by the Windies showing as much application as English footballers at a major international tournament.

A triumphant Strauss added, “Being compared against the West Indies and the England football team in the same summer would make anyone look competent.

“What with Euro 2012 starting soon I’m going to seem like a tactical genius quicker than you can say ‘Hodgson out’.”

Kevin Pietersen courts controversy by giving cricket audience something to watch

April 5, 2012 Leave a comment

"Oops"

Despite Kevin Pietersen’s superb century putting England in control during the second Test against Sri Lanka, all the talk is about him doing something mildly interesting and getting a telling off for it.

Pietersen got a warning when the bowler refused to deliver to the batsman as he moved into position to attempt a switch-hit – an exciting and spectacular shot that the cricket authorities are trying to outlaw as a matter of urgency.

Sir Geoffrey Boycott tutted, “I don’t know what he was thinking, trying to play an entertaining shot like that.

“No-one in cricket wants to see an interesting shot but Kevin doesn’t seem to understand that.

“Luckily for the rest of the six hours he was at the crease he was as boring as everyone else, and he needs to do that more consistently if he wants to be a great batsman.

“Like me.”

Andrew Strauss drops himself and selects 11 bowlers for second Test

March 29, 2012 Leave a comment

England captain Andrew Strauss has been forced into drastic action following the latest dismal showing by the batsmen in a Test match.

England collapsed to defeat against Sri Lanka earlier, making it four losses on the trot and making the side quite probably the least fearsome number one team in the world ever.

In response, Strauss has decided to drop all of the batsmen – especially himself – and pick 11 bowlers, including Graeme Swann and Stuart Broad twice each.

Doubling up

Strauss noted, “They let themselves down a bit in the final innings where some of the batsmen actually scored more runs than they did.

“But I’m confident my decision will be the right one come the second Test.

“They can’t be any worse than the top six have been this winter, can they?”

Andrew Strauss offers “unlimited access” to England batting slot for 250 runs

March 26, 2012 Leave a comment

Our undercover reporters have had a conversation with Andrew Strauss where he offered a place in the England team provided that he is guaranteed 250 runs.

He started by claiming that places were not available, but ended up virtually begging for anyone who could hold a bat to have a go and help him out.

Drives a hard bargain

One of the England selectors commented, “We’re going to look at the evidence and conduct a thorough internal inquiry.

“250 runs seems a bit steep to us – Andrew should have settled for 200, tops.

“Does Peter Cruddas know anything about cricket?

“In fact, if there’s anyone reading who even has a half-decent grasp of the rules and has the patience to get through a Test match, please get in touch.

“Your country needs you.”

Are you an unemployed batting coach looking for work and willing to relocate?

February 3, 2012 2 comments

Then move to Dubai!

Recruitment campaign

Kicking Sport is pleased to offer the right candidates a temporary role as batting coach to Pakistan or, more urgently, England’s cricket team.

Our clients have contacted us after recent displays which have left Geoff Boycott even more scathing than usual in his criticism.

Immediate starts are available, as those in and around the ground are already growing tired of listening to Boycott’s constant exasperation.

If you feel you have what it takes to get England’s batsmen to hit the ball then please contact us right now!

Those who cannot perform miracles need not apply.

English cricketers don’t need spot-fixing scandals to embarrass themselves

January 20, 2012 Leave a comment

English cricket coach Andy Flower has admitted his players do not need to be embroiled in betting rackets to wind everyone up.

The side slumped to a ten-wicket defeat to Pakistan in the first Test as their efforts to prove themselves as the best team in the world started in the worst possible fashion.

Kevin Pietersen reacted, “Just by walking onto the pitch with my jewel-encrusted bat, I effortlessly become a parody of myself.”

On the spot

Captain Andrew Strauss said, “I’ve been here plenty of times already. Leading the England national team is never boring as you’re never far away from the next witch-hunt.

“Although it must get pretty boring for everyone else.”

However, a calm Flower reasoned, “Come on, we’re playing Pakistan, it’s only a matter of time before they mess everything up.”

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