Andrew Strauss offers “unlimited access” to England batting slot for 250 runs

Our undercover reporters have had a conversation with Andrew Strauss where he offered a place in the England team provided that he is guaranteed 250 runs.

He started by claiming that places were not available, but ended up virtually begging for anyone who could hold a bat to have a go and help him out.

Drives a hard bargain

One of the England selectors commented, “We’re going to look at the evidence and conduct a thorough internal inquiry.

“250 runs seems a bit steep to us – Andrew should have settled for 200, tops.

“Does Peter Cruddas know anything about cricket?

“In fact, if there’s anyone reading who even has a half-decent grasp of the rules and has the patience to get through a Test match, please get in touch.

“Your country needs you.”

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