Home > Football, Special Reports > New adventures of Mario (Balotelli)

New adventures of Mario (Balotelli)

February 12, 2012 Leave a comment Go to comments

Suspended for four matches, Manchester City’s deranged striker Mario Balotelli has been conspicuous for his lack of headline-making on and off the pitch. Our reporters have been investigating to bring you all the nonsense that other news sites are too busy to waste time on.

28 January – Women’s Institute bathroom fireworks

Enjoying his free time on starting his ban, Mario popped into his local WI one day to use the bathroom, then proceeded to set off a number of fireworks. The fire service stated it was “bloody lucky” no-one was hurt, especially as the majority of WI attendants were hard of hearing and were therefore unaware of the danger in the men’s room.

"We really didn't know what he was doing in our bathroom"

1 February – Liverpool training mediator

On taking a joyride up to Liverpool, Mario picked up a Liverpool striker playing truant. The player told him his name was Luis and he was avoiding training because the linesman called him offside during a training match. Mario drove him back and did not leave Melwood until the dispute was settled, although Suarez refused to shake his hand after.

4 February – Surprise primary school tour

In another loveable episode, Mario randomly pulled up to a primary school near his home and wandered around, admiring the premises. Headmistress Margaret Roland said, “It was delightful to have Mario visit and he’s welcome back anytime, but on assessing his most recent test scores, I’m afraid he doesn’t have the aptitude to attend classes here.”

11 February – Pub bulls-eye practice

Staying on in the local watering-hole after the Manchester United – Liverpool fiasco, Mario joined in a group playing darts, but lost focus and started aiming at some who were watching the rugby. The owner refrained from ringing the police and instead called Roberto Mancini, who hauled Mario off by the ear and grounded him for a fortnight.

Don’t forget to check back here very soon to read about yet more rubbish that a professional footballer can do and get paid for.

  1. February 12, 2012 at 22:49

    Heard today that Tevez might be back and playing for City as he wants to help them win the league. Think the board should put it to the fans and let them vote.

    • February 13, 2012 at 04:46

      Everything surrounding the teams challenging for the Champions’ League is far more enjoyable if you stop applying reason, rationality and ‘decent human behaviour’ to them, and just watch them as wacky hijinks of a bunch of billionaires’ playthings.

      • February 13, 2012 at 09:06

        It’s a pantomime for grown ups.

      • February 13, 2012 at 09:16

        Exactly – people shouldn’t get worked up by Luis Suarez, they should just hiss at him, and yell ‘he’s behind you’ when Evra comes steaming infield to win the ball/shake his hand.

  2. February 13, 2012 at 22:55

    Thanks for reading everyone. As you all mention, plenty of nonsense going on in the world of football these days. Us satirists are truly blessed!

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