Home > Football, Guest Columns, Special Reports > Fabio Capello on the dilemma of selecting a morally-acceptable England captain

Fabio Capello on the dilemma of selecting a morally-acceptable England captain

November 20, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

Upon reading this you might think that I have finally learned English, but the truth is that this was actually written by a professional ghost-writer at a cost in the thousands of pounds. I have sent the bill in the post to the FA and put it under expenses.

Most seem to have already forgotten about our two friendly victories earlier this week (goodness knows I have) – one against world champions Spain of course, but few consider just how difficult it is to be England manager over the winter when the only options you have are over which Premier League matches to attend. This weekend the FA advised me to go to see West Brom against Bolton.

Thanks for that.

Anyway, the only thing harder than sitting through a domestic English football match is finding a captain who does not embarrass himself and me within five minutes of my giving him the bloody phone call.

Let me tell you that, during this particular winter break, I have to force myself to choose between two pieces of classic artwork to add to my world-class collection. One is by Picasso and one by Monet. Unfortunately my salary is too stingy to allow me to buy both.

Anyway, the point is that, as hard and full of subjective dilemmas the above predicament is, it is still going to be far easier than finding an English male under the age of 35 who is not a complete pillock.

Terry and Ferdinand have been the two most likely over the last couple of years but both are apparently determined to avoid the national derision which comes with the armband by indulging in numerous adulterous episodes and much, much more. Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard used to be other options but I have no idea what those two are up to these days – they certainly do not appear to be playing much football anymore.

The only other player anywhere near an acceptable standard is Wayne Rooney and quite often have I considered asking him to stop chasing the birds so that I can assess his suitability personally, but when it came to deciding who to lead the nation to the Euros, all he had to offer was a nasty mark on the back of some poor Macedonian bloke’s leg.

That was probably for the best however – at least for me. Imagine yourself having to be personally responsible for Wayne Rooney for six weeks in a foreign country without anything to do. (That is assuming England somehow makes it past the group stage though.)

My well-compensated backroom staff tell me that I even get a lot of stick for the way I approach the issues above, and especially for the fact that I am Italian. Many supposedly are angry that I am paid around £6 million per year, but they do not have to accept criticism from “football people” like Robbie Savage and Steve Claridge.

This makes me wonder about the way that my compatriot and close friend Silvio Berlusconi is mocked by many in the UK, who think it is amusing that the man in a very lucrative position with a lot of time on his hands prefers to organise bunga bunga parties than sort out the overwhelming problems which threaten to throw an entire nation into the depths of despair.

As a man in an identical role, I would argue that bunga bunga parties are immensely enjoyable and any sane man would go to as many as he could, especially when compared to having to run training sessions in chilly London with only a bunch of English youths for company.

On that note I have to take my leave because things have got quite a lot ‘busier’ since Silvio was finally booted out the other day. Not that it bothers him or me, mind you.

Looking ahead to the restart of the international fixtures next year, they are composed of a series of further completely pointless friendly matches that will have to  be endured before the even more pointless European Championships (pointless for the English I mean). I hope you are all looking forward to them, because I most certainly am not.

Fabio Capello holds the role of Boardroom Decorations Purchaser for the English FA.

  1. November 20, 2011 at 11:29

    Loved the article – it’s very true they couldn’t seem to be trying harder not to be captain material! Haha considered Ashley Cole?

  2. November 20, 2011 at 16:03

    HAHAHA… I feel so sorry for England with all their senior players acting this way. I think its about time the armband is given to a younger player.

  3. November 21, 2011 at 20:03

    Hi fellas you’re both right. (Cashley somehow slipped Fabio’s mind here – will give his knuckles a rap!)

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